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Collected Jokes
It’s Joke Time with Carolina
Ha Ha
Presented by Ruth Hamilton
Pun Intended
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead
raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm
sorry, Gentlemen. Only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went
to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed
behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The
second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two
weevils.
3. There were two Eskimos sitting in a kayak. They were
cold so they lit a fire, and the craft sank. It only proved, once
again, that you can't have your kayak and heat it,
too.
4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old
West. He slides up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking
for the man who shot my paw."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental
medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and
were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came
out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I
can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One
of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The
other goes to a family in Spain and they name him "Juan." Years
later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving
the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her
husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan,
you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so
they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since
everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival
florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He
asked the good brothers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored
him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the
roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to
close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,
saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only
Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of
the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on
his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather
frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him....what? Answer: A super calloused fragile
mystic hexed by halitosis.
TOURIST: (to farmer): Lived here all
your life?
FARMER: Not yet.
TOURIST: Did you ever see a wood fence?
FARMER: No, but I saw the barn
dance.
TRAVELLER: I’d like a round trip ticket.
TICKET SELLER: I’m sorry— all our tickets
are square.
DIP: Do you summer in he country?
PIP: No, I simmer in the city.
TRAVELLER: I’d like a ticket to New York.
TICKET SELLER: Do you want to go by Buffalo?
TRAVELLER: Don’t be silly. I want
to go by plane.
MOTHER (to sleeping son): Sidney, it’s twenty
to eight!
SIDNEY(still sleeping): In whose favor?
“I’ve invented a computer that is almost
human,” said Dr. Frankenstein to Igor.
“You mean it can
think?” asked Igor.
“No but when it
makes a mistake, it puts the blame on some other computer.”
How do you make anti-freeze?
Put ice cubes in
her bed.
COACH: Are you hurt?
FOOTBALL PLAYER (moaning): I think so.
Better call me a doctor.
COACH: Okay, you’re a doctor.
JILL: Say, how did you break yoour finger?
BILL: Playing football in a telephone booth.
JILL: What?
BILL: I was trying to get my quarterback.
That weightlifter is so strong—
How strong is he?
He’s so strong, he pitches horseshoes without
taking them off the horses.
He’s so strong that when he sticks out his
tongue, he breaks a tooth.
Why did the sword swallower eat pins and
needles?
He was on a diet.
COACH:We have a great team this year.
So far we have had no losses, no draws and no goals scored against us.
REPORTER: How many games have you played?
COACH: The first one is next Sunday.
GILLY: I know someone who is so dumb, he
lost $20.00 betting on a football game.
DILLY: What’s so dumb about that?
GILLY: Well, he lost $10.00 betting on the
play--and the other $10.00 on the instant replay.
Old football players never die--they just
hang up their receivers.
How are football players like airline passengers?
Both want safe
touchdowns.
SAY THESE 3 TIMES QUICKLY
Seth’s sharp spaceshuit shrank.
The spacehip’s back brake--block broke.
“Sure, the spaceship’s ship--shape, sir!”
What would you have if Batman and Robin were
run over by stampeding cattle?
Flatamn and Ribbon.
SAY THESE 3 TIMES QUICKLY
The Sheriff shot a shy thrush.
Six sheriffs seeksix sick sheiks.
Six cattle slip on slick ski slopes.
DOCTOR: Nurse, did you take the patient’s
temperture?
NURSE: Why, no, Doctor. Is it
missing?
NURSE: Shall we give the patient a local
anesthetic, Doctor?
DOCTOR: No, I’m in a hurry. Let’s
give him the express.
DOCTOR: The operation will cost you $400.00.
PATIENT: Can’t you do it for $200.00?
DOCTOR: Sure. But for $200.00, I use duller
knives.
“Doc, give it to me straight— what kind of
shape am I in?”
“Let’s put it this
way. From now on you pay in advance.”
DOCTOR: Sorry I made you wait so long.
PATIENT: I didn’t mind the wait so much,
but I did think you’d like to treat my illness in its early stages.
PATIENT: Nurse, nurse, I keep thinking I’m
a ghost!
NURSE: I thought that might be your problem
when I saw you walk through the wall.
PATIENT: Nurse, nurse, I’m sick as a dog.
NURSE: I can’t help you I’m not a vet.
PATIENT: Nurse, nurse, nobody ever listens
to me.
NURSE: Next!
PATIENT: Doctor, the first 30 minutes that
I’m up every morning, I feel dizzy. What sould I do?
DOCTOR: Get up half an hour later.
PATIENT: What’s the best way to cur acid
indigestion?
DOCTOR: Stop drinking acid.
PATIENT: What’s the best way to avoid fallen
arches?
DOCTOR: Get out of the way.
PATIENT: What’s the best way to prevent wrinkles?
DOCTOR: Don’t sleep in your clothes.
PATIENT: What’s the best way to keep from
getting fat in certain places?
DOCTOR: Stay out of those places!`
DOCTOR: (after examination): There’s nothing
I can do. It’s old age.
PATIENT: But my left leg is just as old
as my right leg and that one feels fine!
DOCTOR: Have you ever had that pain before?
PATIENT: Yes.
DOCTOR: Well, you’ve got it again.
PATIENT: Doctor, doctor, I swallowed my fountain
pen!
DOCTOR: What are you doing in the meantime?
PATIENT: Using a pencil.
A woman went to the bank to arrange for a
loan.
“I’m sorry, ma’am,”
the guard told her, “but the loan arranger is out to lunch.”
“That’s okay,”
said the woman. “Can I speak to Tonto?”
SAY THESE 3 TIMES QUICKLY
The bad black bug’s blood.
Good blood, bad blood.
Did the thieves seize the skis?
What happened after he dog swallowed a watch?
He got ticks.
What would you get if you crossed a comedian
and a spiritualist?
A happy medium.
SAY THESE 3 TIMES QUICKLY
Brainy boys bake black bran bread.
Six sick sheiks seek sixty crisp snacks.
Should Sid shave a short single shingle
thin, or shave a short thin single
cedar shingle thinner?
FANNY: If we breathe oxygen in the daytime,
what do we breathe at night?
ANNIE: Nitrogen.
Oh, Baby
A woman gets on a bus
holding a baby. The bus driver says "That's the ugliest baby I've ever
seen." Furious, the woman slammed her money into the fare box and took
an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next
to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The
bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized
and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult
passengers."
"You're right," she
said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea"
the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
SPEEDING TICKET
Two highway patrolmen
stopped a guy for speeding on the state highway in Waxahachie, Texas.
As they were writing up the ticket, one cop turned to the other and said,
"How do you spell Waxahachie?"
The other one replied,
"I don't know."
So the first one said,
"Well what are we gong to do? If we spell it wrong it will get dismissed."
The second cop said,
"Why don't we just let him go and stop him again when he gets to Waco?"
FATHER & SON?
One day, an elderly man was sitting on a
bench in the park, when a young boy came up and asked if he could sit down
on the bench also.
The elderly man said yes, and the boy sat
down.
The elderly man found himself looking at
the young boy and shaking his head. The young boy could see him,
and he asked what the problem was.
The elderly man asked the young boy why he
did something as crazy as what he did to his hair. The young boy's
hair was blue, green, pink, and orange.
The young boy said, "Ain't you ever done
anything wild in your life?"
The elderly man said, "Yeah. When I
was young like you are, I made love to a parrot, and I was just wondering
if you are my long-lost son."
COLORFUL
What is black and blue all over, brown on
top, and found in a ditch?
A brunette that has told too many blonde
jokes!
Out of the Mouths of Babes . . .
A Sunday school
teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary
to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are
sleeping."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing
the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining
the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there
a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without
missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
At Sunday School they were teaching
how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed
especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of
Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though
he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I
have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
A very dirty little fellow came in
from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?" Ready to play
the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs.
Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize
me!"
Little daughter Why is father singing
so much tonight?
Mother He is trying to sing the baby
to sleep.
Little daughter Well, if I was the
baby I’d pretend I was asleep.
Let's Hear It for Moms
Adam and Eve had an ideal marri
age.
He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't
have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
A police recruit was asked during
the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He
said, "Call for backup."
An elderly woman died last month.
Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten
instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me
out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
But Eye Did Ewes My Spell Checker
These announcements
were found in synagogue newsletters and bulletins
:
Don't let worry kill you. Let your
synagogue help.
Remember in prayer the many who are
sick of our congregation.
For those of you who have children
and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs
We are pleased to announce the birth
of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss.
Thursday at 500 PM, there will be
a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All women wishing to become
Little Mothers, please see the rabbi in his private study.
A bean supper will be held Wed. even.
in the community center. Music will follow.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM
at the JCC. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can
be given to his secretary.
Mrs. Glodblum will be entering the
hospital this week for testes.
We are taking up a collection to
defray the cost of the new carpet in the sanctuary. All those wishing to
do something on the carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
If you enjoy sinning, the choir is
looking for you!
The Associate Rabbi unveiled the
synagogue's new fund raising campaign slogan this week "I Upped My Pledge
- Up Yours."
School Daze
Teacher: Now, what would you call a
person who eats only vegetables?
Student: A vegetarian.
Teacher: And what about a man who eats
only people?
Student: A humanitarian.
Teacher: What is commonly called
brain food?
Student: Noodle soup.
A wise school teacher sends this
note to all parents on the first day of school "If you promise not to believe
everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe
everything he says happens at home.
Teacher: I’ve had
to punish you every day this week. What have you got to say?
Student: I’m glad it is Friday!
Teacher: What are the four main food
groups?
Student: Canned, frozen, instant,
and lite.
Teacher: This essay on your pet cat
is word for word the same as yourbrother’s
Student: It’s the same cat.
Teacher: If you found a hundred-dollar
bill in your coat pocket, what would you have?
Student: Someone else’s coat.
Teacher: If a hole were 17 feet wide,
15 feet long, and 35 feet deep, how much dirt would be in it?
Student: None. A hole is empty.
A father was looking at his son’s
report card. "One thing is definitely in your favor. With a report like
that, you couldn’t possibly be cheating."
Knock, Knock
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Turnip.
Turnip who?
Turnip the heat, it’s cold
in here.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Sacha.
Sacha who?
Sacha fuss, just because I knocked
at your door.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Butcher.
Butcher who?
Butcher arms around me, honey, and
hold me tight.
It's All Relative
A couple in Hollywood
got married and then divorced. And then they got remarried. The divorce
didn’t work.
A man I know solved the problem of
too many visiting relatives. He borrowed money from the rich ones and loaned
it to the poor ones. Now none of them come back.
Miscellaneous Silliness
Last night I dreamed I ate a five-pound
marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
The inmates of a prison had a joke
book they all had memorized. The way they recited them was by the number
of the joke. Some fellow would call out a number from one to one hundred
and all would laugh. A new man in the prison, after studying the book,
said he wanted to tell a joke. They said, "O.K., shoot!"
He said, "Number 20," but nobody
laughed. He said, This is funny. What’‘s wrong; why aren’t you laughing?"
A fellow nearby said, "Some can tell
them and some can’t"
"You’re the laziest man I ever saw.
Don’t you do anything quickly?"
"Yes, I get tired fast."
Cute Feelgoods
Author and lecturer
Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose
of the contest was
to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next
door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon
seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard,
climbed onto
his lap, and just sat there. When his mother asked him what he had said to
the neighbor, the little boy replied, "Nothing, I just
helped him cry."
Sign over
a gynecologist's office
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a Plumbers truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the
right place."
On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
In a podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill.
However, if you don't, you will be."
In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait.
* * *
Expensive Persian Rugs
A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks
around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends
to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed she looks
around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes
a sales person does not pop up right now. As she turns back, there, standing
next to her is a salesman."Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today ?" Very
uncomfortably she asks, "Sir how much does this rug cost?" He answers, "Lady
if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit when you hear the price!"
PIANO
TUNER
A man appeared
at a woman's front door and announced: "Madam, I'm the piano tuner."
"I didn't send for a tuner," the piano-playing lady said.
"I know, lady," the man replied. Your neighbor did."
Many thanks to Margie L. from Vicksburg, Mississippi for today's
MARKET
RESEARCH
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman
with three small children running around at her feet.
He said, "I'm
doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes.
My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you
don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it
for sex."
The researcher
was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually, people lie to me and
say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate
hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire
you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly
how you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I
don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob,
and it keeps the kids out."
* * *
The Mental Patient
John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital.
One day while
they were walking passed the hospital swimming pool, John suddenly dove
into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.
David promptly
jumped in and saved him. He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled John
out.
The medical director
came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be
discharged from theMental Hospital, as he considered him to be OK.
The Doctor said, "We
have good news and bad news for you, David! The good news is that we are
going to discharge you because you have regained your senses. Since you
were able to jump in and save another patient you must be mentally stable.
The bad news is
that the patient whom you saved, Mr. John, hung himself in the bathroom,
and died."
David replied, "Doctor,
he didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry."
* * *
Two Nuns
There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister
Mathematical (SM)
and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting
dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed
that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes?
I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical.
He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At
this rate he will reach us in 15minutes at the most. What can we do?
SL: The only logical
thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course
it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk
faster too.
SM: So, what shall
we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical
thing we can do is split. You go I'll go this way. He cannot follow us
both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical
arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened
SM: Sister Logical!
Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical
thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes!
But what happened then?
SL: The only logical
thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run
as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical
thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear!
What did you do?
SL: The only logical
thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister!
What did the man do?
SL: The only logical
thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What
happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical,
Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants
down........
(And those of
you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Mary's.....)
* * *
It was reported today that at a White House staff meeting last week there was
a heated discussion about the health of Vice President Cheney and his angina
problem. President Bush interrupted and stated emphatically that "Men
do not have anginas." The president was especially perplexed when
a staffer said that Cheney has "acute angina."
* * *
The Druggist
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by
his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this
morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove dwntown to confront
the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now,
just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go
off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to
the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and
car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I
was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got
to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the
store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone
was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got
down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me
stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it...half
of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with
no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer...and
believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!"
* * *
Political Philosophies
Political Philosophies Explained in Simple "Two Cow" Terms:
Socialism: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to
your neighbor.
Communism: You have two cows. The government takes them both
and provides
you with milk.
Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes them and
sells you the milk.
Nazism: You have two cows. The government takes both and then
shoots you.
Bureaucracy: You have two cows. The government takes them
both, shoots one,
milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.
Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Corporate: You have two cows. You sell one, force the other
to produce the
milk of four cows, and then act surprised when it drops dead.
Democracy: You have two cows. The government taxes you to
the point that you
must sell them both in order to support a man in a foreign country who has
only one cow which was a gift from your government.
* * *
The Old Man on a Moped
A hip young man goes out and buys a 2001 Ferrari GTO. It is the best
and
most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000.
He takes
it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on
a moped
pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What
kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A 2001
Ferrari
GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does
it cost so
much? "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the
cool dude
proudly. The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replies
the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car,
all
right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his
car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320
mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting
closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh!
Something whips by him, going much faster! What on earth could be going
faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him,
he
sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh!
It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked
like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How
could a
moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror!
Whooooosh
Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and
the old man are hurting for certain.
He runs up to the old man and says, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man moans and replies, "Yes. Kindly unhook my suspenders from
your
side-view mirror!
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